I have been with thirty men; how do I change this kind of life?

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By PHILIP KITOTO

Posted  Monday, April 8  2013 at  01:00

 

 

 

 

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 32-year-old woman blessed with a good job, good health, wonderful parents, sisters, and brothers.

I come from a polygamous family that lives in harmony, thanks to my father. I had a rosy childhood, which I thank God for. The problem is my personal life, which I feel is out of control. It has taken a lot of courage to write to you because I am ashamed of who I am.

From the age of 20, I have had a lot of drama in my life. I have had intimate relationships with close to 30 men — a few of them were even married. There has been no monetary exchange, I just cannot seem able to say no. I have had long term relationships with four of them and these relationships, which overlapped each other, all lasted about five years each.

I can have two serious boyfriends at a go and have about seven casual relationships on the side. I have had three abortions during this journey.

I have been seeing this man for the past five years. I love him but I had to break up with him because of the guilt I feel. The relationship was verbally abusive and left me hurt and with low self-esteem. I am at a point of depression because I cannot handle my past. I cannot handle what I have been doing and it is eating me up. I do not have any hope for the future.

I do not think I will ever be married or loved by anyone in this world because I have been living a lie. Where do I start to change my life? I have hurt so many people. I still love the last guy I broke up with, but I feel as if the damage is already done. He does not know what I am going through. I gave him some flimsy reason and I think he is content with my decision. I have tried to pray, to read books of encouragement, but nothing is changing. I have a very heavy heart.

Will God ever forgive me? Should I fast and repent for God to take all these away? Can I have a fulfilling life after all this? Help me Kitoto, I cannot take it anymore! I hope to also assist someone out there because I know that I am not alone.

Coree

Hi,

According to Al Bernstein, “Success is often the result of taking a misstep in the right direction”. Therefore, let me begin by congratulating you for your courage. I can assure you that you are not alone. Many of us are facing the same battles, and the sad fact is that we have no courage to believe that falling is not the end. It is not how many times we fall, rather it is the genuine willingness to keep trying and keep hoping that we will make a difference one day. One writer said, “Failure will never overtake me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.”

Remember, sin has a way of making us feel useless. But is that true? Can our fear of stumbling again overcome our determination to succeed.

The Bible is full of great people who made a difference with their lives even after they fell miserably. King David was one such example. His affair with Bethsheba was unwarranted and a total failure for a man who was supposed to protect the families of his soldiers. He not only admired and had an affair with the wife of one of his soldiers, he also plotted and killed the man in order to have his wife. This was adultery and murder.

However, he cries to God for forgiveness and to this end, God responds and covers his shame. What can you learn from David’s situation? First, David recognised that he had sinned. He knew what his sin was and the consequences that would follow.

This has already happened for you. You are aware of the weight that is tagging at you. You have even gone a step further to stop and question the direction your life is taking. This is key in starting the journey to recovery.

Second, David acknowledged that the sin he committed was against God. What David realised was that when we hurt our fellow human beings, we are actually hurting God because He is the one who made them and gave them a future. This realisation places a higher degree and desire to turn away from those issues.

The consequences for our wrong actions are with Him and therefore once we make things right with Him, we automatically do the same with our fellow men.

Third, turning away from these behaviour must follow your repentance. Abraham Lincoln, one of America’s most successful presidents, had this to say:

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”

Determination and enthusiasm must be in the lead in helping you do better. As a result, your determination may include accepting that God has the power to forgive you and help you start afresh; believing that you are still valuable and loved regardless of your past.

This affirmation of yourself will breed the confidence needed when resolving to do better with your life. Knowing that failure is part of our maturing process will prompt you not to just sit back and lament over the past.

That is why Elbert Hubbard says, “The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually fear that you will make one”. It is amazing that you have lived to see the present and can make better decisions than you did yesterday. You have a chance to rewrite history. So, stand tall, believe in God and the ability He gives to live differently.

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Moving on with a younger man

Dear Kitoto,

You have been of great help to our society and may God bless you. I would like your assistance.

I am in my early 30s and lost my husband a year ago. He left me with two young children, both below the age of five. I have attended counselling to attain healing and move forward. I have not been in a relationship since he passed away but asked God to bless me with a faithful man who will help take care of me and my children. I was raised in a Christian family so I would hate to hurt anyone by being a mpango wa kando.

For the past three months I have been dating a man who is younger than me. I have explained what happened to my husband and he is aware of my age and the fact that I have children. He has never been married and has no children. Apart from being a good friend, he also respects me.

Still, I would like know if he is serious or just taking advantage of me. Will his parents accept his decision? If he stands by his word, how do I introduce him to my children? Do I need to see a counsellor for more help or is it too early? Please advise me before I make a decision.

Jane

Hi,

I am sorry for your loss and pray that the good Lord will continue to support you. Grieving takes time, particularly when a couple enjoyed a warm and comforting relationship. One year may be too soon to start another relationship, seeing that you have two children who may have questions about their father. Remember, they also need to heal.

Furthermore, these children must be prepared and made ready to have another man for a father. I pray that you do not ignore their feelings. Assuming that you have healed, you must take some time with this man. Try and date for a while to get to know him better. Then he must be made to understand that he is inviting three people into his house. If he cannot love you and your children, then marrying him should not be an option.

Another issue you have raised has to do with your age and how his parents will respond to his dating an older woman with children. Now, this is where I feel you really need to know him well. He must love you for who you are. He must not love you because he feels sorry for you.

Remember, there is a thin line between him taking advantage of your emotional need and truly loving you. It is only you who can tell. Once he is convinced that you are the one, it is his duty to deal with his parents. Do not let you children get used to him as “a father in the making” before you are completely sure.

So my suggestions are:

1. Ensure you have completely healed.

2. Talk to another woman or couple who knows you well and get feedback on whether they see you the way you see yourself. They should also help you to talk to your children.

3. Ensure that your children are ready for this and are comfortable with him.

4. Be clear on your priorities.

If you are truly honest with each other, you should have a talk about when he is ready for marriage. But avoid getting intimate because this will just cloud your judgement. Do not allow lack of self-control to cause you pain.

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Is it because I am childless?

Dear Kitoto,

I am 31 and have been married for six years . I am still childless. My husband was not financially stable during the first four years of our marriage and I gladly took up the role of breadwinner.

I supported him any way I could with the hope that one day he would do the same. To my astonishment, he started showing me his real character.

Sometimes I work the night shift and one night I found a girl — the neighbour’s house girl — in my house. Since he started being financially stable, he has become disrespectful. I have really endured a lot. He always blames me if anything goes wrong in his life, including a recent accident he was involved in.

I wonder, is it my fault that I have not borne him children? Is it normal to feel like a stranger in my own house? Am I to blame for his financial woes? What should I do because I cannot take it anymore.

Alice

Hi,

From the onset, let me mention that it is not your fault that you have not conceived. Even if you have a medical issue, I am of the opinion that he has no right to blame you. I empathise with the pain you feel. It is not fair that he rewards your hard work by bringing another woman to your house.

Yes, he may have issues with you working at night, but it is this work that has put food on the table when he did not have a job. If he felt denied and unhappy with the night shift, the right action would have been to talk about it.

On the other hand, I see an insecure and selfish man who thinks he can gain control through intimidation. If he succeeds in destroying your self-esteem, then this will definitely not be good for you. I suggest that you find pleasure and encouragement in the acts of love you have shown towards him. Feel good to have risen above his desire to be petty and manipulative. God calls on you to do good.

I also suggest that you confront him with the fact that you are not happy with his behaviour. Be firm and loving. Make it clear that his actions involving the neighbour’s house help impacts negatively on your marriage. If he chooses to ignore your advice, then let this not put you down. You are still a great woman with great intentions.

Remember, two wrongs do not make a right. Therefore, remain focused and determined to do what is right. Do not force yourself to stay where you are not welcome. If he asks you to leave, leave with some pride that you did your best to be a God pleaser regardless of his actions.

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Forever a suspect

Dear Kitoto,

I have read your articles and I appreciate what you do.

I have been married since 2008 and several times, my wife has accused me of infidelity with various suspects, among them a man and her own sister. How do I solve this?

Bernard

Hi,

In relationships, a lack of trust is the key cause of accusations regarding unfaithfulness. My take is that you are the one who knows the truth behind these accusations.

Either your wife has evidence or it is just hearsay.

But the person with the truth on these issues is yourself. Therefore ask yourself: is there is some truth to the allegations? If so, Am I willing to make things right? And how do I begin the journey to do this?

If her accusations are based on falsehoods and there is no way of dealing with these issues as a team, then it is time to seek intervention. All the best.