How to ‘sit’ on a man

June 9th 2013 By LYDIA LIMBE

For some housewives, the phrase ‘ man of the house’ is meaningless. They harass, mistreat, bully and belittle the men who bring home the bacon, but strangely, their henpecked husbands never leave, writes LYDIA LIMBE

Walls have ears, they say. So courtesy of whispers from house help to watch man, to house help, to next-door neighbour, everyone knew the high-flying 32-year-old computer expert could be king at the office, but a doormat in his own home.


Gitahi (not his real name) is a well to do corporate guy — good, well paying job, very bright and drives a BMW. At a glance, he looks calm and collected, until you have a chat with those who know his household.

“If that man comes home late, and by late I mean after 9.00pm, he will not get into that house. To appreciate how tough that wo man is, she not only locks him out but also insists he sleeps in the car. Should he dare drive away to a hotel or something, there will be hell to pay for,” says a source familiar with the couple.

One would expect such ‘punishment’ to be meted out to a jobless husband by a wo man who pays the rent. But in this case, the wo man in question is jobless and it is Gitahi who pays the rent and brings home the bacon.

prostitute

“One day, she came back late from visiting her sister and Gitahi refused to open the door. Whoah! She started screaming, ‘today I’ve found you with your prostitute. Open the door!’ It was such an embarrassing scene. She was screaming at the top of her voice and neighbours were peeping through their windows, drawn by the circus. He let her in, but half an hour later, her angry tirade could still be heard,” she adds.

What shocks neighbours more is the manner Gitahi is forced, seemingly at gunpoint, to take care of his wife’s relatives.

Our source recalls one time when his wife’s three sisters and their babies paid a visit and stayed for two months in his a two-bedroom house. His wife invited one of her sisters into her bedroom, while the other two took over the guest bedroom. For two months, Gitahi, the man of the house who was also feeding the whole lot, slept in the sitting room — on the couch!

Her sisters

“One of those women was pregnant. When she went into labour, Gitahi, who does not have children yet, not only paid the bill for a child he had not fathered, but dropped her and picked her from the maternity hospital as well. Now imagine sleeping on the couch, in your own house, while your wife and her sisters and their babies snore on beds you bought with your sweat,” our source adds.Neighbours believe Gitahi has been bewitched because there is no way a rational man can allow himself to be treated like dirt by “a wo man who isn’t even hot”, more so one who has no money of her own.

“She has even banned him from giving neighbours lifts in his car. A young wo man who was new on the block and didn’t know the ‘rules’ flagged him down for a lift and because he couldn’t say ‘no’ without appearing rude, he obliged. She was shocked when his wife angrily confronted him that evening and ordered her to ‘keep off’ her husband,” says one neighbour.

Gitahi’s case is not unique. A quick chat with two or three people will reveal that each knows a man who is not only just sat on, but also mistreated.

“Some men go through hell. I know one teacher who only sleeps with his wife on payday. He took many loans so he is often broke throughout the month, once he has paid school fees and so on. His wife never lets him step into the bedroom unless he gives her money. He sleeps on the sofa. His bedroom is like a lodging and his wife behaves like a sex worker — no money, no love,” explains Mophat Munene.

But what would one take of the case of a man who stayed four years in a marriage that had never been consummated?

“You have never met a more de manding wo man,” explains someone familiar with the couple. “Although she had university education, which her hubby paid for, she simply refused to look for a job, yet de manded that they live in a five-bedroom house. She never cooked, did laundry or kept house. She spent time studying and kept saying she couldn’t sleep with her husband because ‘she wasn’t ready emotionally’ and that she didn’t want children yet.

Five-bedroom house

“So this poor man, in spite of blowing hundreds of thousands of shillings on expensive gateways, some in foreign countries, which she de manded, never knew what it feels to be husband. He either ate out or prepared his own meals, and had to arrange to have his clothes cleaned and pressed. Of course, they didn’t share a bedroom and God knows why she needed a five-bedroom house, yet they had no children.

“But this marriage ended when the man walked into her bedroom and found a diary in which she had detailed not one but three affairs. That was the last straw. While she had refused to consummate their marriage, she had been carrying on with three different men, yet he assumed all along that she was a virgin. He snapped and did something he should have done years ago — he slapped her and threw her out,” he adds.

Andrew’s case is no different. His wife is a housewife with no child. Andrew takes care of all the bills and even buys vegetables at the estate market. He’s even bought her two vehicles, which she de manded for.

“She got pregnant earlier but miscarried. So when she got pregnant a second time, she was fragile like an egg. Or so I thought. I, therefore put up with a lot of nonsense in the name of safeguarding her pregnancy,” recalls Andrew.

stickler for orderAndrew comes from work and starts by clearing dirty utensils from breakfast and lunch strewn all over the house. Being a stickler for order, he then embarks on cleaning the house, while making dinner in the process.

All this while, his wife is watching TV, flipping channel after channel, Andrew having installed the full DSTV package.

But one day, the dam burst.

“I came home very tired and hungry. My wife was resting on the sofa. The kitchen was a mess with the different foods she made in the name of ‘cravings’ scattered all over the place. I called her to the kitchen and explained that I was really tired, and could she, for once, please make me a meal?

“Do you know what she said? ‘I’m not your maid!’ To make matters worse, she threw an open packet of maize flour at me. I have never been so upset in my life. I lifted her up that moment, put her in the car and drove her to her parents’ house that same evening. Good riddance,” adds Andrew, still agitated by the memory.

Chicken droppings

Godfrey Mwaniki, a 73-year-old retired mason who lives in Kiambu, says there are several reasons why some men allow their wives to treat them like ‘chicken droppings’.

“First, some men are weak and once a wo man realises you are weak, she will sit on your head and there is nothing you can do about it. Second, some men, because of religion or social standing, don’t want to be seen as ‘failures’ because they chased their wives away so they just hang on.

“Third, some men choose not to care. They realise their wives are ‘mad’, look at the consequences of divorcing and starting new families and say ‘haidhuru. Let her do what she wants’. Last, you cannot rule out witchcraft.

“A man who sleeps on the sofa for two months in his own house because his wo man and her sisters have taken over all the bedrooms must be bewitched,” says the old man.