Last week when I boldly stated that all men are polygamous by nature and married women must share their men, I was met with vicious vitriol from naysayers, wives and hypocrites living in denial.
But what struck me most was the silence from the group that I was advocating for their rights – the clandes.
They are the poor young girls in love with married men; the number twos who eat the left-overs each day. Put it differently, they are the second wives and baby mamas who live in the shadow of marriages.
Today, this marginalised group is my subject. It is important I tell you how difficult it is to be number two and accept the second class status. And please, find time to say a prayer for clandes because theirs is a tough life.
He cancels plans last minute because of his wife
She is all spruced up for a night out with her married man. Hair - check, nails - check, little black dress - check, nude heels - check and then, one hour to the date, he texts; “Hi baby. I know I promised to take you to watch a movie today but guess what, mamaa decided to buy me dinner last minute and as you know, sitaki drama. Can I rain check to kesho? I will make it up to you, I swear.”
Any clande will tell you she gets heartbroken when plans are cancelled last minute by her married boyfriend at least thrice a month. There is nothing much she can do when her married boyfriend’s first born son suddenly develops a cough or a fever, or when his mother-in-law suddenly shows up with a battalion of Womens’ Guild members to his house to eat njahi after the birth of his third born.
Thank God most clandes are strong-willed go-getters who will stop at nothing to get what they want.
Her days are numbered
I mean this literally, like there are days a clande knows that she will not be able to see the man she loves and there is nothing much she can do about this.
For instance, his wife’s or children’s birthdays are a bad day for him to see her for obvious reasons. Woe unto her if the out-of-town jaunt with her married beau falls on the same day as his wife’s birthday and he only remembered last minute.
Consider that escapade a disaster. A clande has to put up with the wife bombarding her man’s phone with texts, WhatsApp messages and calls that will make that outing a tragedy.
Also, if the man’s off-days are Fridays and Saturdays, a clande won’t expect him to spend those days with her, because he will be clamped down at home with his wife and children.
She, therefore, has to consider all these while planning their relationship calendar to ensure that the out-of-town adventure to the rolling savannahs of Nanyuki do not fall on the same day as his wedding anniversary.
She is forced to keep secrets
A clande’s intelligence is calibrated by her ability to keep secrets. Discretion is the name of the game. Even when she is tempted to shout to the world how happy she is, she is forced to keep their relationship clandestine because she don’t want trouble in her life.
She cannot take selfies with him and post them on instagram because you never know who might be watching. While hiding the motel receipts in her handbag after a weekend of ecstasy could be thrilling, it tires a clande who always has look behind her shoulder for the wife.
Public Display of Affection (PDA) is restricted and not allowed in some relationships. This can be very depressing for those clandes who fancy PDA. She cannot invite him to her family functions because of that shiny wedding band on his finger.
When they bump into his wife’s brother best friend, she is forced to act like a colleague or be introduced as ‘Meet Njeri, my friend’, while the truth is, every clande looks forward to hearing, “Meet my wife’’, which will never happen.
His boys think they can flirt with her
Because they think she is just a clande who is here today and gone tomorrow. His boys could be fun to hang out with, occasionally crazy and very refreshing to be with, but some are flirty and want to have a piece of her because they don’t consider that relationship serious, even when it is clear that she is the ‘defending champion’ for months or years.
They will not only openly compliment her booty and beauty, but offend her by asking to hook them up with her ‘equally hot’ friends, as if she wants her equally hot friends to know that she is dating a married man.
A clande will shut up about this because they are his boys and if you have been reading this column, you will know that only his mother will come before his boys, and not any other woman.
There you have it you Pharisees and Sadducees who bedevil clandes without walking a mile in their six-inch heels. They are human with feelings; only that they have directed them to the wrong people.
_____________________
MUTUTHO IS AN IDLE GRANDFATHER
Anti-drug’s crusader John Mututho is a misguided public servant who needs to wake up to the stinging reality that you cannot change the world by imposing your rules on people.
I found it utterly obnoxious for him to blame Governor Alfred Mutua for the Masaku Sevens binge - as if the governor is in charge of raising teens in the country and monitoring how much sex and drink teenagers have.
What Mututho ought to know is that those teens whom he claims threatened to burn down a church in Machakos if they were not allowed to ‘do their dirty things there’ came from homes with parents who are responsible for raising them. Mututho needs to know that teenagers, since the days of his grandfather have always been partaking alcohol and are not about to stop now just because he Mututho says so. Somebody must sit Mututho down and explain to him like a two-year-old that it is the irresponsible Kenyan parents that are to blame squarely for how their children misbehaved at the Masaku Sevens game. Let Mututho get it into his head that banning jam sessions is not the answer to the problem, but teaching teens about responsible fun will help.
Methinks if Mututho continues with this trend of whimsical, sensationalised, and totalitarian approach towards drugs and alcohol abuse in the country, Kenyans will remember him more for making a national circus of himself rather than the good cause bestowed on him. Dear Mututho, if you really and truly want to address this alcohol menace in the country, why don’t you first fire your advisors-if any - and start by preaching the gospel of responsible drinking among youngsters.rather than publicly embarrassing yourself on national TV?
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