The This article is an opinion piece by Njoki Chege a Columnist for Kenya’s Daily Nation Newspaper.
When I penned the piece titled “How to be the ultimate female Nairobi pastor,’ many thought I was being disrespectful to a “woman of God”. Do not touch the Lord’s anointed, I was warned. I will be cursed, they said. Hungry bears will devour my flesh with biblical wrath and I will be cast into an abyss of pain and anguish. I was accused of targeting a certain female pastor in this town and that I should apologise. But I dare ask: Apologise for what, you little hypocrites? First of all, I think that we have a lot of rogue pastors masquerading as men and women of God who are fleecing the flock in the name of God. I am not known to mince my words and I don’t think I am going to start now, just because there is a church involved and a few characters who claim to be
Pastors, bishops and apostles. I believe in calling it as it and whoever has a problem with me, can go hang on a short tree. I am sick and tired of seeing educated men and women, jubilating over their‘mummy pastor’ and ‘daddy pastor’ as if their lives depended on it. I am sick and tired of watching foolish but graceful churchgoers cheer loudly and hysterically in church at the mention of their pastors but begin to nod off during Bible reading. Well, let me start by educating you fools who flock these so called ‘charismatic’ and ‘modern’ individually-owned churches. Those pastors and televangelists you worship are not God. They are not demigods and they have no supernatural powers. They cannot turn water into wine nor walk on water. They cannot heal your child of asthma nor change your philandering cad of a husband. They cannot heal the blind but they can blind you. What they can do though, is con you off your hard-earned money to bankroll their lavish lifestyles as you struggle in debt and lose sleep over that mortgage.
I think it is utterly stupid for a woman, a refined, educated and emancipated woman with a great job and career prospects to put all her trust in a devious female pastor who doesn’t care about her. You see, just because somebody can speak English with a fake accent, wears expensive garb, plays golf in exotic clubs and proclaims the word of God does not necessarily mean that they are truly appointed of the Lord. Listen. Just because that church can afford to buy airtime on Sunday mornings to air their hogwash on national TV, does not mean that church is the ultimate church. And just because your pastor drives an expensive car and holidays in South Africa does not mean they are blessed and successful. First of all, who lied to you that material possession is equal to blessing. Isn’t blessings the peace of mind, family, love, and good health?
My dear, that Range Rover your ‘daddy pastor’ is driving is not a blessing. That is stolen property bought with your money. That is not a successful and blessed daddy pastor living in Runda. That is a thug handling stolen property. Hold your curses for later. I am just getting started. Listen, you illogical ‘son and daughters of whoever’. You don’t need a female pastor to pray for you to get a husband. You don’t need a conman or conwoman to pray for your husband to stop coming home at 2am smelling of fresh lodging soap. You don’t need a pastor to be your spiritual mother or father. God is all you have and He is all you will ever need. You also need to stop being silly, get on your goddamn knees and pray for yourself and your family. Look here, you dimwits who flock those ‘modern’ churches where people ‘live-tweet’ and ‘sub-tweet’ each other during service and tagging their pastors. You don’t need that semi-illiterate conman to come lay hands on you or ground break that kaproject in shagz for God’s blessings. Come on, God is just a prayer away and you don’t need to consult a deluded ex-convict or former house girl who has never been to a Theology class before you embark on an investment.
I will tell you the truth even as you throw tantrums all over social media. Those pastors you people worship and adore are humans like you. They tell you not to drink alcohol but you should see them in golf clubs gulping expensive whiskey and cognac.
They tell you not to commit adultery but you should get a printout of their phone records and Sodom and Gomorrah will get a new meaning. They tell you to stay faithful to your wife but you don’t know what their wives go through-but cannot talk because there is a certain image they want to uphold. Some of those pastors you run to for marital advice are on the verge of divorce and they are only tolerating each other for the sake of their business – the church.
Inviting that kapastor to your home and hosting them for dinner, tweeting and re-tweeting nice things about them is not a ticket to heaven. You must think I am an atheist. Well you are not the first to make that mistake. I am a proud and proper Presbyterian who believes that religion and life must follow certain set practice and procedure. Go figure it out. Let the curses begin. One at a time please.
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