I waited 30 painful years for these children

PHOTO | EMMA NZIOKA  NATION MEDIA GROUP

By NJOKI CHEGE nchege@ke.nationmedia.com
Wednesday, June 12  2013

 

 

In Summary

• Frashiah Gathang’a talks about her struggle to get children, and explains why she never lost hope

In December last year, 53-year-old Frashiah Gathang’a gave birth to triplets — two boys and a girl.

So what? You ask. Well, to you and me, there is nothing exceptional about this. After all, more and more women are nowadays bearing children late in life, even in their fifties. Why, just the other day, Asunta Wagura, also in her fifties, gave birth to twin boys.

But Frashiah’s case is exceptional. You see, she has been waiting for these children for the past 31 years.

Frashiah met her husband, Edward Gathang’a, in 1981 and a year later, they married. The first two years of their marriage were blissful, without much pressure of having a child. They loved and enjoyed each other’s company and that was enough.

If anything, Edward was still in college and had another two years to go. After he graduated, however, the couple felt ready to raise a family. But that was not to be. After many months of trying to conceive with no results, they finally decided to consult a doctor.

Says Frashiah, “I was informed that one of my fallopian tubes was blocked, but the doctor assured me that since the other one was healthy, I could still conceive. He put me on several hormonal drugs and encouraged me to wait.”

The long wait had started. Months turned into years, and years into decades. Frashiah was still childless. All this time, she would faithfully attend her friends’ baby showers, children’s birthday parties, graduations, weddings, and even the birthdays of their grandchildren. It weighed heavily in her heart.

Hurtful remarks

In spite of this, she says she did not lose hope of having a child of her own.

“You know, like any other married woman looking forward to having children, I had began to prepare. I had bought baby clothes, even knitted a few cardigans for my children, but when I didn’t get pregnant, I gave out most of them,” she says.

However, in an act of faith, she kept a few cardigans.

She explains, “The Bible says that faith without action is dead — I believed that God would one day answer my prayers.”

As happens in many such cases, the negative comments about Frashiah’s childlessness got louder. The hurtful remarks were no longer whispered behind her back, but were said blatantly in her presence. Believe it or not, women who had children would mock her, some of them consciously, others unconsciously.

“It hurt a lot. Being an African woman, society considers you incomplete if you have no children. People stop calling you by your name and refer to you as “the childless one”. It is very derogatory, especially when it is said in mother tongue,” she says.

She particularly recalls one instance. She was in a hurry to go home after a church fellowship when a friend asked her why she was in such a rush, yet she had no children to cook for.

“Women, and society in general, need to be mindful of the comments they make to childless women — not every woman is able to have children, and making such insensitive comments just makes them more miserable,” Frashiah points out.

What made such hurtful comments bearable was her husband’s unfailing support. She describes him as a “very special man”.

“All those years, he stood by me. He didn’t blame me or listen to the negative voices around him. For us really as a couple, it was not a big issue as we have always enjoyed each other’s company and always have something to talk about,” she says.

Patience does pay off

The long wait finally came to a grinding halt last year when Frashiah learnt that she was pregnant.

“I wept for a very long time. I had waited for this moment for 30 years; it was nothing short of a miracle,” she says.

Frashiah was in for an even bigger surprise when three months into the pregnancy, she went for a scan, only to learn that she was expecting not one, but three babies. To say that she was overjoyed would be an understatement; she was ecstatic, and so was her husband.

The pregnancy, Frashiah recalls, was smooth, although her blood pressure was high and had to be monitored closely. Also, due to the weight of the babies, she was forewarned that she could not carry the pregnancy to term.

On 28 December last year, she was admitted to the Aga Khan University Hospital after her blood pressure shot up. During a routine examination, a nurse could not detect the heartbeat of one child and Frashiah was immediately rushed to the theatre for an emergency Caesarean section delivery.

“I’ve never been so anxious or so afraid — I’d waited for this moment for so long, I couldn’t imagine losing one of my babies,” says Frashiah.

But she need not have feared. In spite of being premature, Samuel Gichuki, Grace Wanjiru, and Isaac Nderitu were born healthy and sound.

Two nights after delivery, however, Frashiah, who was still in hospital with her babies, developed chest pain. Her husband, who was by her bedside, immediately called a doctor. One look at her and he sent her for a CT Scan.

“I knew something was very wrong,” says Edward.

He adds, “She was very weak. She could barely talk and her breathing was getting weaker by the second. I looked at her and I couldn’t help thinking that she was dying.”

Fighting for my life

What followed next was like a scene from a medical drama. An alarmed Edward called out and the nurses came running with an oxygen tank. They rushed Frashiah to the high dependency unit, only to find that it was full.

By that time, Frashiah had gone quiet, very still. The group of nurses, followed by Edward, literally ran as they wheeled her to the intensive care unit which, mercifully, had space. Edward was told to wait outside and the doors were shut.

“I just couldn’t imagine life without her, and so I prayed like I have never prayed before. I thought to myself that after a 30-year wait, it was not fair for my wife to die and leave me with the children we had eagerly waited for,” he says.

Edward’s sister, Anne Kamau, remembers how shaken he was.

“My brother (Edward) called me crying, and told me to pray. He said, ‘Please pray for my wife, things are thick.’ I called the rest of the family and we began to pray for Frashiah.”

About 45 minutes later, the doctor emerged from the ICU with promising news that Frashiah was responding to treatment.

But the fight was far from over. Frashiah would stay in the ICU fighting for her life for the next six days as her week-old triplets, in incubators, slept peacefully, oblivious of the situation.

On January 10, 2013, Frashiah and her children were finally discharged from hospital, amid celebration among family, friends, and wellwishers.

The babies are a handful, but their parents are not complaining. Not even the crying or the sleepless nights bother them. They take every headache that comes with parenting gladly and with good humour.

While many may wonder how they will relate to their children given that they are in their fifties, Frashiah and her husband are unperturbed.

“Oh, we joke about it all the time,” Edward says, and quips, “Will they call me dad or grandpa? One thing we are sure of, however, is that as our children grow older, we will grow younger because they will keep us busy.”

Frashiah advises women who can relate to her situation to accept and respect themselves even in their childless state and, more important, to never lose hope.

“Take it from me, it is not easy. Insensitive people will always talk about you and say nasty things behind your back, or worse, in your presence. But you need to let go of the negativity and walk with your head high.”

Second Family

During the course of their 30-year wait for a baby, Edward sought to have another family.

“We are great friends. Always have been,” says Frashiah. “Many years ago, we were having a conversation and he said he really wanted children. I thought it was a joke, but I didn’t realise that he was actually serious and that it was his way of passing a message,” she says.

Frashiah explains that later, she and her husband had lengthy discussions concerning his getting a second wife and, consequently, children.

“I knew when Edward got a second wife, although I cautioned him to be very careful because there are many diseases out there,” says Frashiah.

It is unusual that a man and his wife would discuss the prospect of bringing in a second wife. It is even more strange when the first wife accompanies her husband to meet the family of the prospective second wife, yet Frashiah did exactly that. She accompanied her husband for the traditional ruracio for his second bride.

Explains Frashiah: “It was a bitter pill to swallow. Of course, being human, it hurt me that he was getting a second wife, but the Bible says I should be thankful in all things.

“I focused on the positive aspect, which was that he came clean about it and did not do it behind my back, the way many men do.”

Edward, however, says that his decision to get a second wife did not mean that he had given up hope of having children with his first wife.

“I did not give up hope. You never know when you will leave this earth, and if you have the chance to get children, then don’t waste that opportunity. I was fast approaching 40 years and my friends had had their last born — I had to convince Frashiah to allow me to get a second wife.”

Edward’s other family, which consists of his second wife and three children aged 18, 13, and 10 years, have a cordial relationship with Frashiah. The children refer to her as “Aunt Frashiah” and not a holiday goes by without them paying her a visit. The other family is as excited about the triplets as Frashiah and their father“I am happy that my two families are able to relate peacefully with each other. We all often go out and now that I have three more children, it seems that I’m going to need a bigger vehicle,” Edward says with a chuckle.