By Kahawa Tungu Updated Monday, March 17th 2014 at 12:05 GMT +3 open
marriage Ever heard of an open marriage? Well, locals in my neck of the hood
are yet to come to terms with a couple that have signed a memorandum of
understanding (MOU) that allows each to have a secret lover. The only catch is
that they continue to respect each other and raising children together. “As
long as you and your tumzee (old secret lovers) do not do it right under my nose,”
the husband was overheard by a neighbour telling his wife. To which she
replied: “I swear, you will never catch me pants down.” Considering these are
consenting adults, we can only wait with bated breath to see how they implement
their strange MOU. A day after they entered the weird MOU, the man came to
Kahawa Tungu. And after little prodding, he opened up and shared with patrons
the strange marriage arrangement he had agreed on with his wife. “Karibu
(welcome).
Take a steaming cup of Kahawa Tungu, it will cool you down, you look
disturbed. What is it?” he was welcomed and asked. He had settled close to the
entrance where the cool breeze was flowing and immediately began sipping from
his cup, before launching into the strange tale. “Zena and I have always been
incompatible ever since she discovered I have no tricks that can entertain her
between the sheets,” he complained. He proceeded to narrate how marrying an
‘experienced’ woman has left him feeling inadequate every night he attempted to
make love to her. See also: Agony as wife and mpango wa kando denounce a
cheating man “It got so bad that the situation completely diminished my
confidence. And that is when she demanded an ‘open marriage’. She said since I
was not up to the task, I should allow her to explore the options,” explained
the man. He narrated how the two made a pact to set each other free without
jeopardising their marriage. “She was to ‘do her thing’ on the sides as long as
she did not make me jealous,” he added. The old men in Kahawa Tungu assured the
man that they would get to the bottom of the matter, and help redeem the
marriage. They sent someone to summon the man’s wife to a baraza la wazee
(council of elders). She came in with her veil looking as holy as a virgin.
After exchanging pleasantries, the case began. “Ask him whether I sneak strange
men into our matrimonial home,” she charged. She continued to explain that her
ex boyfriend was well endowed and had way much better performance compared to
her husband. And since he couldn’t match the performance and she didn’t want to
suffer in silence, she suggested the pact. The terms of which she is faithful
to in letter and spirit. “After the agreement, I purchased some adult toys to
‘nice up’ myself. And that is what made him jealous. I can’t do anything to
please this man. At that, the man decided to let the cat out of the bag. “But
did she have to get the biggest toy in the market?” whined the man, and
immediately pulled it out of his pocket and waved it in the air, for all and
sundry
After careful consideration, the wise old men decided that the two should
dissolve their marriage. “Get a small woman your size while she gets a man who
fits her big bill. This marriage is tattered and children alone can’t hold it
together. Life is too short and should be sweet. Case dismissed,” thundered the
lead elder.
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