IN SUMMARY
- One mheshimiwa tweeted that I should write about kept men and the rules that govern their relationships with their benefactors.
- You can’t have a headache…Not when you do nothing the whole day but watch football on TV and cut your nails. You have to rise to the occasion. On demand. Erectile dysfunction will be a river in Egypt, and so will premature ejaculation.
- You will help with the chores that come with hosting: helping with the nyama choma, running to the supermarket to get more disposable cups and making sure that guests are entertained and happy.
On the tail of last week’s article on the rules women whose rent is paid for by a man must abide by, one mheshimiwa tweeted that I should write about kept men and the rules that govern their relationships with their benefactors.
So I reached out to a few friends – mature ones, over 33 – and asked them if they would consider keeping a man. You know, housing him, feeding him, and even giving him money to buy new underwear. All of them turned their noses up and said they wouldn’t. But if they did, they added, these would be the rules.
You can’t have a headache…
Not when you do nothing the whole day but watch football on TV and cut your nails. You have to rise to the occasion. On demand. Erectile dysfunction will be a river in Egypt, and so will premature ejaculation. If she wants sex and you don’t, you have to have sex. If you want sex and she doesn’t, she won’t have sex.
Get home before her.
You have to be home to receive her. You can’t go home late every day because you were out drinking her money with your mates. You will be like a butler –there to open the door for her when she gets home. You will ask about her day and you will listen keenly no matter how boring or long that narration is.
The only bed you will sleep in…
… is her bed. You can’t spend the night elsewhere; not at your friend’s place, not at your mother’s house. There will never be a conversation about you flirting with another woman in that house, or any suspicion that you are seeing another girl on the side. You do that and you will pick your clothes in a black polythene bag at the watchman’s shed at the gate.
When she entertains at home…
… you will not put your feet up as if you are one of the guests and expect your drink to be placed in your hand. You will help with the chores that come with hosting: helping with the nyama choma, running to the supermarket to get more disposable cups and making sure that guests are entertained and happy.
Your pals…
Not all of them are welcome to her house. You will not turn that house into a boy’s den when she is away at work. If you think you will call your friends over to partake of the whisky and wine in her mini-bar, you have another thought coming. Your friends who will be invited over to her house have to be handpicked, which means the ones she feels are a “bad influence” will not be allowed within an inch of the gate. One lady said, “because I’m keeping you in my house, there must be something fundamentally wrong with your finances or your socialisation or something fundamentally awesome with your skills in bed; on that account it’s unlikely that we will have the same social circles and so my house will not be open to your type.” Goodness!
It will help if her friends think you are drop-dead gorgeous...
Because they will talk behind her back, saying how low Sarah has sunk to keep a man. How desperate she must be to keep this man. So it helps if you look very dashing, like something off a Greek calendar. Or if you are funny as hell. Or if you are very caring and attentive and you don’t mind rubbing her feet after a long hard day.
Chip in occasionally…
You are probably those guys who say they are doing biashara that you can’t place a finger on. Maybe you are in IT; you build apps nobody needs, but you believe one day you will hit pay dirt. Once in a while you are expected to surprise her with flowers or dinner. To be clear, you are dead weight, but she doesn’t need reminders, so pulling an occasional surprise like that makes it better.
Domestic staff
They aren’t yours or for you. You have no authority to fire or hire domestic staff. You can’t make the house help’s work difficult by being bossy or careless or basically acting spoilt. You are not a house pet, you are a housed man. You will go, but the house staff might outlast you. Stick to your lane.
Broaden your role outside the bedroom, outside the house…
You most likely have ambition challenges. You most likely don’t have any need or inclination to dream bigger than taking out the trash. But it would help a little if you gave the impression – no matter how false – that you want something bigger than the mediocre domestic situation you are in.
Errands
You will go to the supermarket to buy groceries. You will take the car to be serviced. You will pick and drop her when necessary. You will do small maintenance jobs around the house. Learn other forms of screwing, like a bulb. Or a nut in a table. You will know where to buy what. You weekends will be hers. You will be entrusted with very simple tasks which you will be expected not to cock up; like not to lose the parking validation ticket.
Cars
You will not carry girls in her car. That is categorical.
There. One of my friends said: “Biko, if you receive an email from a reader who wants to be housed for a few months, let me know, as long as they are cool with the rules.” The girl in question is big-busted, has a rabid wit, is tall and light-skinned and loves Tusker. Any takers?
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