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Find out how you can quickly reconnect with a man
before he pulls away and it's too late. Watch free clips from my Natural
& Lasting Attraction program here and learn how to keep your man
engaged in your relationship so he only wants to get closer and closer to you:
Do you ever worry that you are going to lose a good
man?
You aren't alone.
Today I wanted to talk about how such negative
beliefs and doubts often lead to incredibly destructive behavior - clingy
neediness that DRIVES MEN AWAY faster thanMonday Night Football.
Check out a question I received from a reader about
this problem, and then read on to learn WHY this happens, WHAT MEN THINK about
it, and how to PREVENT it from ruining your relationship:
Q.Dear Christian,
About two months ago I met a fantastic guy.
The chemistry is amazing, the strongest ever, and
there is a strong physical attraction. But I cannot stop the negative thinking
that comes into my mind about everything this man does or says.
If he doesn't call for a day, I think he will never
call (he always does), and if he changes plans (usually with a good reason), I
think he is pulling away. My thinking is making my behavior clingy and
obsessive and it is taking every ounce of strength not to show how I am feeling
so I don't scare him away. These games are exhausting. All my friends tell me
to relax and enjoy, but how do you do this?
A.First, thanks for your honesty and self-awareness
in this question. I'm glad you asked because having this kind of repetitive
negative thinking is more common that you might think.
And it almost ALWAYS drives a man away - if not
physically, then emotionally.
In fact, whether you see it or not, both men AND
women have these uncertain and insecure feelings that get in their way. So the
good news is that you're not alone.
But the bad news is that lots of women who feel
"helpless" in this way NEVER figure out what to do about it until
it's too late. By then the guy has already come to that critical moment where
he has seen so much of your insecure thinking and behavior that he gets that
"Eeeewwwww" feeling - you know, that feeling where you see something
that's so unappealing to you that you literally tighten up your body, your
eyes, everything, and say or think "Eeeeewwwww".
This "Eeeeewwwww" feeling changes
everything. Once a man has this "Eeeewwww" feeling with a woman,
there's little or nothing she can do to try and bring back the passion and
respect a man used to have for her.
And forget about him feeling ATTRACTION. A man's
"Eeeewwwww" is basically him feeling the OPPOSITE of attraction,
where he literally wants to get away as quickly as possible.
What You DON'T Want To Do
The truth is that the most certain and complete way
to drive a man away (and as far away as possible) is to become overly needy,
clingy, and suspicious. Whether in private or in public.
I don't just mean in what you SAY. I'm also talking
about doing this just by what you FEEL.
One of the things I've talked about before is how
once you believe something to be "true", you tend to find proof of
what it is that you believe all around you in the world.
For example, people used to believe that the world
was flat... and when they did, there was proof everywhere that they found that
made "sense" to them and supported their firm belief that the world
was flat.
And even when someone came along and proved that
the world was round, it took a long time for most people to start to accept
this as "reality".
The reason that I bring this up is because it
sounds to me like you're looking for an answer to a problem... when what you
need is NOT an answer.
What You Need Is The Right BELIEF
So instead of trying to "fix" all the
things that you think are the problem with you in your relationship, you should
actually try to change what you believe and PREVENT these problems in the first
place.
Following me here? Good.
I'm going to talk about how to prevent this problem
first, then tell you a few things you can do when you run into it again in the
future as well.
Here are two things to keep in mind:
As you
might already know, men aren't often the best in the world at giving emotional
support and at nurturing. He might not recognize what's really going on with
you, or he might not know how to give you what you want, or it might even be
that he is afraid of how you are acting and he doesn't feel comfortable getting
any closer to you.
expect
that if a woman likes them, then the woman should feel good when she's around
him. I know it might sound simple, or even stupid, but if a woman is constantly
stressed or worried or unhappy when she's around a man, not only does he feel
like he can't make her happy, but he'll want to spend LESS and LESS time around
her.
So here are two ways to communicate with a man that
will make him not only FEEL GOOD, but make him want to communicate with you and
be around you more:
Figure
out how to help men see and recognize what it is that you are looking for with
them, without frustrating or confusing them even more.
Find out
why it is that YOU are so chronically unsatisfied. Men want to be around women
who make them FEEL GOOD. Telling him that he is constantly doing things WRONG
just creates more ANXIETY.
Now, Let's Tackle This First Approach...
To figure out how to help a man, you need to
recognize what it is that you are looking for from him. So... you might have to
work on figuring this out for yourself first.
My bet is that this isn't the first relationship
with a man where you've felt and acted this way... and your need to feel
reassured and approved of by others in order to feel ok about yourself isn't
just a thing that comes up with men. You probably do this in other subtle ways
with other people in your life, too - like with your friends and your family.
In other words, what you're doing is a pattern of
communicating in ALL your relationships. It just happens to be a higher-stakes
and more emotionally intense situation when it comes to men, dating, and
relationships.
The truth is, you need to learn how to communicate
in a relationship with a man in a way that actually brings you closer together
AND gets your needs met...
Sharing Your Feelings Fearlessly
You don't want to keep "playing the
games" that are pushing him further away from you. You CAN and need to
share your feelings. You just haven't learned HOW to share them in a way that
ACTUALLY WORKS and has positive results with men in relationships.
And until you learn how to share your feelings,
you're never going to get away from that awful disconnected and isolated
feeling where you fear telling the man in your life how you really feel inside.
Feeling this way is NOT a way to live in your
relationship, and you know it. Even if your relationship went on, it would be
destined to blow up because you wouldn't have a voice and be appreciated for
your feelings.
If you need to learn more about how to talk with a
man and do it in a way that he will listen and RESPOND to, rather than withdraw
from...
AND you want to learn how to understand HIM better,
too...
Then you should take a minute and read through all
the tips and strategies I've put into my video program From Casual To
Committed.
In this program, I've dedicated an entire section
to helping you avoid the common communication mistakes most women make in
relationships that cause men to WITHDRAW and get "scared off".
Learn To Avoid Communication Mistakes That Make Him
Run
If you're insecure, scared, and uncertain, and
you're asking a man questions such as,
"How do you feel about me?"
Or...
"Where's this going?"
Or...
"Are you serious about us?"
Then you're making the kind of mistakes that are
proven to make men become MORE RESISTANT to opening up, communicating, and
committing for a secure and certain relationship.
In short, you need to learn how to communicate and
behave with a man in a way that makes him feel, on a deep level, that you are
the one he should be deeply committed to.
Go here now to read more and start learning how to
move from that "casual", uncertain, and emotionally distant place with
a man and grow into a deeply connected and committed relationship:
From Casual To Committed
Are You "Fully There" With Your Man?
There might be a few other things you're doing that
make a man feel a little strange when he's with you and around you (this is
just a guess, as most people, men and women, have things they could improve
when it comes to communicating).
Maybe you're acting a little too "needy",
as you said. Maybe you're acting too "helpless" and you're waiting
for him to tell you that everything is going to be ok and "save you".
And maybe YOU are the one who isn't
"present" in your mind when you're with him. Your mind is worrying
about what happened in the past, or what's going to happen in the future... and
therefore you don't do anything that makes things better and happen NOW.
Think about it.
Men expect women to be a kind of "emotional
leader" in relationships. Women often bring a deeper and richer emotional
aspect to a man's life than he has anywhere else.
Remember, HE'S THE MAN. He's the one who wants to
feel good by winning a woman over and making her feel great. And when a man
sees that you feel great, then he'll feel great, too... and EVERYTHING ELSE
will almost magically get easier.
Getting Yourself In The Best "Mindset"
For Love
You need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your thinking,
behavior, and communication that make you see more of his behaviors and
responses that scare you and make you feel and act even more needy and scared.
Help yourself by breaking that self-defeating and
destructive cycle you are reinforcing for yourself.
And to answer your question "What can I do to
relax and enjoy things?"...
My favorite thing that works in my own life, and
works for LOTS of women I know, is the simple act of breathing.
Do me a favor right now:
I want you to sit up straight, notice your posture,
pull your shoulders back, relax your neck and then slowly take a long deep
breath in.
Keep breathing in until air fills your lungs. Once
you fill your lungs with air, pause for a second. And now I want you to exhale
slowly and deeply all the way out until all the air in your lungs has been
pushed out.
Imagine all the feelings, tension, stress, and
worry from your day being pushed out of you with the air that leaves your body.
Relax your body even more as you breathe out.
Now I want you to breathe in and do this over two
more times. Becoming more and more relaxed and clear-headed each time.
I'll wait while you do it.
..
..
Ok. I know there's no "magic answer"
here, but my point is that if you are already aware of the emotions, feelings,
and behaviors that are getting in your way, and you're NOT DOING anything about
it... then you need to change the way that you are DOING things... and not just
what you're thinking.
I can honestly say I've yet to meet someone, myself
included, who has said or done something regrettable after those deep breaths -
while they were in a calm, relaxed state.
Communicating With Him... The Easy Way
In the seminars I teach, we do several
communication exercises that not only encourage the same type of
"pause" and clarity that you might have just felt, but I get deep
into the specific "How To's" and "What to say when's."
Your emotional state and your choice of words say
SO MUCH about you, and believe it or not, if you feel something, even though you
don't say it, men see it and sense it inside you.
If what you're communicating "under the
surface" in your emotions isn't working together with your words to draw a
man in and create ATTRACTION, then you're going to get a lot of resistance...
and a lot less understanding, connection, and affection.
...And if you're reading this right now and you'd
like to be learning how to quickly and easily communicate with a man in a way
that makes him feel an INTENSE level of ATTRACTION for you, and get him to want
to get close to you and ask YOU to open up.... then I HIGHLY recommend that you
check out my Natural & Lasting Attraction program.
This program will TRANSFORM your understanding of
how to use your words and your emotions to attract a man and move things ahead
almost effortlessly.
Go watch some of the preview video clips for
yourself and you'll get ideas you can start using RIGHT NOW with the man in
your life to create the kind of attraction that will have him asking YOU to be
with him and only him:
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