January 2014 |
1. Phone etiquette. This means phone manners. If you call someone and they don’t pick up, don’t call again. They will call you back. If not, get the message. If you feel that they might have not seen your call, text them. If they don’t reply, please don’t text again asking why they haven’t replied. That is a cycle which leads to insanity and psychotic behaviour. Don’t use your phone while:
a. Driving (Can’t believe I have to say this)
b. On a date
c. In a meeting
d. In an interview
e. When you’ve just been introduced to some people who can take your life, career or business further.
2. Courtesy. Simple good manners will go a long way. by saying please and thank you show you are courteous if not civilized. by not interrupting people when they are speaking shows that you are listening, not just waiting to talk. Giving people way on the road. In Nairobi the women are even worse drivers, cause they go out of their way to prove that they can be just as nasty as the male drivers, or even nastier. Fck idiocy. Opening doors for women and letting them go in first doesn’t make you a wimp. It makes you chivalrous. If you don’t understand the meaning of that word you shouldn’t be reading this article.
3. Inferiority complex. Bleaching your skin so that you can be lighter. What the shit!!? Affecting a fake accent. Capital Fm I am hereby referring to you. Once heard Waweru Njoroge or somebody saying ‘hakuna matara’. Jesus Christ. What the fck? Is wrong with you? The only bright side about Capital Fm is Chris Kirubi. If a bumbling fool with an astonishingly low I.Q like him can become a billionaire, then any of us can. (I might get sued for saying that but what the shit) Taking drugs to get a bigger ass. Or bigger boobs. Or a bigger dk. Instead of being such a dick (literally) why not focus on your career or on contributing to society? God made you the way you are for a reason. Dk.
4. Victim mentality. Your relationship breaks down. It’s not your fault. Your job goes south. It’s not your fault. Your friends avoid you. It’s not your fault. You gain weight. It’s not your fault. You get divorced. It’s not your fault. You miss out on a business deal. It’s not your fault. Can you accept responsibility for your life for once? As Joel Osteen put it so well, you are either a Victim or a Victor. As Philip Walubengo put it: If you meet an asshole in the morning, you’ve met an as***e in the morning. If you keep meeting assholes the whole day, you are the a***e.
5. Kenyan Media ( And lots of media in general). It may come as a surprise to many that I fully supported and still support the new media bill. Now a law. Reason? Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers. That is what our media is (This aphorism applies to our Parliament as well as to our civil service.) Our newspapers can’t even fucking get their grammar and spelling right. Our media is full of reporters, not journalists. All they care about is sales sales sales money money money fucking profit. Fuck you very much and call you Mary. Always focusing on politics and bad shit. Maina Kageni, Ciku Muiruri and other ill-bred presenters peddle their nincompoopery on air the whole day and the Media Council sits on their hands and twiddles their thumbs up their ass doing nothing about it. And then you claim you can self regulate. Why do we allow vulgar music videos that are basicall sof porn to be played on tv in the middle of the day when even the countries where they come from don’t permit it? And The Nation. What was that picture you put on the front page the day after Westgate? Even a fucktard would not have done that. And since I know you need this to be explained to you:
A crossbreed between a f**r and a retard, (Source: Go screw yourself)
6. Stupid Decisions and Knee-Jerk Reactions. Let’s form a military unit to take care of Nairobi. What the shit? Are we under martial law and no one told us? Is there a state of emergency? Is the military trained to interact with civilians? Are they trained in urban warfare? Are we at war in our own country? Why the fuck are we re-inventing the wheel? How about we train, house, pay and equip our police better? How about we do the same for the NIS? How about we actually fucking listen when the fucking NIS fucking tells us shit? But on the bright side, all Kenyan women know now that if you just gain some weight, wear long flowing dresses, shut up in your sun glasses when important shit is being discussed, and affect a fake accent, you can be Minister of Defense. Yes You Can.
7. Independent Woman nonesense. I meet women these days who take pride in the fact that they can’t cook. When did lack of a basic survival skill become something to brag about? When f****ing when? So you have a car and a house. That makes you special how? I will be the first to admit that women can do what men do and perhaps can do it better. Why? Cause I was raised by and with very strong female role models, who in the 80′s had all this shit that our modern independent bitch, um, er, sorry, woman brags about. And they never bragged about it. In the 80′s. You don’t need alabastron or whatever hog wash that Caroline Mutoko and her ilk peddle. There is the Bible. There are the teachings of our ancestors. The Nobel Laureate Wangari Maathai once told me (Yes, I am name dropping like that) that we need not turn east or west to find values; we already have our customs. God bless her soul. The rising cases of single parenthood, young people involved in crime, confused youth, breakdown in society etc. can directly be traced to this nonesense.
8. Read. How about we read some more? Fact: If you can read and you don’t read, there is no difference between you and someone who can’t read. Get it? Unused skills become vestigial. And read useful shit. I know some people who never touch a book in the whole year and then read that 50 Shades of Crap book cover to cover in just a matter of days. I can’t respect that kind of literature. Ernest Hemingway once wrote a six word novel, and it had more depth than all those sex books combined. One article by Philip Ochieng in the Sunday Nation has more value than that whole trilogy. Jesus, one status update by Eric Ng’eno on Facebook has more depth, breadth, wit and social redemptive value than all those 50 Shades of Mummy Porn combined.
9. Tribalism. Dear government, Jobs and appointments are not only for two tribes, i.e Kikuyu and Kalenjin. Did we travel back to the 70s and no one told me? And our guys on social media and the internet at large; this constant beef between Luos and Kikuyus is tiresome. Sawa when you were raised your parents lacking things to say told you that all Luos are evil, arrogant braggarts and that Raila Odinga is the devil reincarnate. Your parents told you that Kikuyus are lying, thieving backstabbers and that the Kenyattas are the spawn of Satan. We don’t give a shit. Take your issues elsewhere. There are 40 other tribes here who, literally, don’t give a shit about your retrogressive, hateful, witless bile. Actually, if you tribalists were hanging on a cliff and always that was needed to save you was just one shit; we wouldn’t give a shit.
10. The prosperity gospel. 11. Living your life purely for money. I have combined these two points because they are interconnected. If your aim in life is purely to make money, then you have such poverty of ambition that I can’t even insult you. I can only feel sorry for you. Money only magnifies who you are. And most of the people on the money path are just raging shitheads. (Look, I managed to insult you!) If a pastor tells me that my Saviour was given up by His Father to get tortured and die in such a painful way so that I can have a swimming pool and a luxury car in my compound, then that pastor is like a toilet. Full of shit. There is a reason why Pope Francis was named the Time Person of The Year. When a child or someone elderly dies due to poverty and it hardly merits a byline in the news, and then when the stock market loses a few points and it merits a headline in the papers, we have lost our way. God help us all. But not if you are self-important raging shithead.
12. Ciku Muiruri. So, to finish up. Ciku. I had only listened to your radio show once or twice, and read your column in the papers once or twice. Not because I have anything against you, but because I don’t believe in imbibing trash. Very early in life i was taught something called GIGO. Garbage In Garbage Out. I like to stand guardian at the door of my brain and prevent you, Nigerian Movies, Soap Operas and Black American Movies from gaining access. Also, a Lion does not concern himself with the opinions of a sheep. But I digress. Apparently you wrote an article proclaiming that Kenyan men are poor and ugly. Okay. Your opinion. Allow me to offer mine.
I may be broke now, but it is only a matter of time before I’m rich. You will still be ugly. Yes, I have seen your photograph. By extension, you called your father, your boss, your friends, and many other respectable men poor and ugly. See number 4 above whereupon you will find my treatise on assholes. It is quite pertinent to your condition. I would ask you and Maina Kageni to go home, but I still don’t know if the door to the cage was left open. I don’t even know what Child Services in this country does when people like you are actually allowed to raise children. But anyway, even Orangutans are allowed to raise children. You are the embodiment of what is wrong with this country. Gold-diggers who have gone to school but still want to be taken care of and bought for everything by men, their role model is you. Weren’t you spotted and pictured being fondled and carried around by Artur what’s-his-face-with-the-mercenary-moustache? But I guess it’s the money that mattered. And FYI, that guy was as ugly as my dog’s behind. And if my dog hears this it will have mad beef with me.
Ahaaaaa. That feels much better. Happy 2014 everyone. Cheers to a fantastic year.
In attendance of your favorable response,
Yours Faithfully,
Philip ‘Battousai’ Walubengo.
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