Nothing good can come out of ostracisation.
That is what I have learned since I found out that
I was HIV-positive. I write this in tears, reflecting on how my life has
changed. My doctor was kind enough to hold my hand. He advised me that you just
cannot trust anyone with your status, until I got sick and had to tell someone
at home.
I loved my brother and thought he was the best but
I was wrong. As soon as he found out, so did Mum and my big sister.
I was disappointed when my mother came to hospital
and had to hear the news from my doctor. She cried and thought that was the
death of me until we both received counselling from my doctor. We all thought
Dad would react negatively, so we kept it from him.
At home everything became complicated, from diet to
attitude to frustrations. Mother was always making me eat greens.
It was very thoughtful of her, but I wanted her to
treat me the way she always had before. She even asked me to move my toothbrush
to my room, away from the rest because of my small sister.
The little things people do when they consider you
to be different eventually change your attitude towards life and people.
My mother did not want me to do her laundry, the
way I used to do before, ostensibly because I would get tired. I remember once
making supper before she got home. When she arrived, she asked, “Why did you
cook this and not that?” Deep down, I knew that she felt frustrated but did not
know how to tell me about it.
My brother told me that he had never seen someone
so brave, that in my situation, he would have ended his life. That is not the
kind of advice a person in my position needs. However, I have to take heart. He
even told me that it would be better for me to stay at home and just watch
movies instead of going to school.
REBELLION AND REGRETS
I did not want to be HIV-positive at the age of 20,
or any other age, for that matter. My youth was distorted even before the
orange light came on. I had completed high school a virgin and promised myself
and my mother to remain pure until after marriage.
However, peer pressure got to me and I was swayed
by the hype among teenage girls of, “I will break my virginity on my first
Valentine after school…”, even though I had not found the perfect person for
me.
I have always been positive towards life, ready to
face the world. So after my computer studies, I took up a job as a
secretary/office messenger at a relative’s office. The salary was not that
much, but I knew that you have to start somewhere.
My father was not happy because he thought the job
would prevent me from continuing my studies. He insisted that I quit, but I did
not want to just sit at home waiting to join the university.
When I got my first salary, I was really excited
and decided to buy something to take home. After supper, my father asked me if
I had made up my mind about what I wanted to study in college.
I had a passion for journalism but he did not
consider it a worthy career. I refused to be coerced into taking a course of
his choice. That night marked the turn of events at home.
My father got agitated and started shouting at me
angrily, even saying that he would not pay my tuition fees. I still remember
his words, “Ata sitakulipia io university unataka kuenda, utakaa hivyo tuone.”
For a moment I thought I had lost my father
completely. I cried bitterly and went to bed unusually early, wondering what to
do next. I felt as if my life had come to an end, that my future had been
shattered, and that I would end up hopeless.
I had no one to talk to except my phone, which I
still consider to be my best friend. I was almost turning 18 and kept thinking
that if he was not going to pay my fees, then I had better get a life.
The following day I woke up late and did laundry in
the afternoon.
I received a call from this guy, Dominic (not his
real name). I did not know him well. He had got my number from a high school
mate. He invited me out. He sounded very promising.
I thought he would be my prince charming as I had
already fallen for his voice and the way he spoke English.
I got dressed and left, telling no one where I was
heading as I was sure that I was never going back home.
I felt unwanted and without a future. I thought
this would be the beginning of a new life. It sure was.
A BETTER OPTION
Dominic, accompanied by his friend, Russell (also
not his real name), picked me up near my home. He was not physically
attractive, but I did not want to go back home.
We had dinner at a restaurant, then later went to
his friend’s apartment for soft drinks and to watch a movie as we got to know
each other. At around 9pm, Francis, the owner of the apartment, joined us.
He suggested that we drink beer instead, but I
declined as I had never taken alcohol before.
Dominic insisted that there was special red wine in
the fridge just for me. I had never drank wine before, but I knew from the soap
operas I watched on television that it created that special mood.
Dominic told me that the alcohol in the wine was so
little that it would not affect me, that it was just be like drinking soda.
So I agreed to drink some. After some time, Dominic
asked me to accompany him to the balcony so that we could have some privacy. We
got to talk and share a lot. I even told him about my argument with my father.
He promised that he would pay for my tuition at a
private university and marry me. I was really excited, thinking that I did not
need to go back home.
It was getting late and my parents and siblings
started calling me on my phone. Dominic asked me to switch it off as the
ringing was spoiling “the mood”. I obeyed without hesitation.
Dominic was very good with words. He began making
passes at me, which I innocently ignored at first.
I eventually gave in because I thought it was fine
as he was going to be my husband as soon as I turned 18. He was sweet, but
every time I tried to refuse anything he suggested, he would shout in mother
tongue, which I did not understand.
I got emotional and started crying and he called
Russell. He started explaining things to him in mother tongue, which I could
not understand. He then left me with Russell.
Russell was rather young compared to Dominic and
sweet. He told me to be patient with Dominic, that he had a bad day.
He was eager to tell me how good Dominic was, all
the nice things that a man would say about his friend.
Dominic came back after about half an hour and
again they conversed in mother tongue. Dominic apologised, reminding me about
all the late night calls he had made to me and asked me if I liked him. I was
not sure what to tell him, but I was sure that I did not want to go home.
I reasoned with him and we talked things over “like
grown-ups”. I looked in his eyes and thought I saw love, a happy life, and a
great tomorrow written there.
He told me that all I had to do was give my true
love, my all, and we would be happy together.
We went to bed and I was eager to embark on this
new adventure. Dominic was sweet and did everything to win my trust and
confidence. He told me that my virginity would remain intact if he used a
condom and that all would be well. That night I lost my innocence… and my
future.
IN SO MUCH TROUBLE
The following day we went to Russell’s place.
We found his brother there and spent the day. In
the evening I took a walk with Russell. I excitedly told him everything that
had happened, but he did not seem to be happy.
He took me to a chemist and bought me contraceptive
pills, telling me, “You can never be sure about the future.” We had a lot of
fun, watching movies and sleeping that Sunday night. However, Dominic seemed
unwell, I thought it was just a hangover. I felt like a woman who was about to
get married to a noble and sweet man.
On Monday morning I switched on my phone and found
a number of missed calls from my parents and siblings.
When my sister got through, she scolded me and told
me that our mother was very worried. I could not help but cry at my sister’s
words. I explained what was happening to Dominic and he offered to take me to
the bus stage.
I was astounded. I thought he would accompany me to
my home to tell my parents that he loves me and wanted to marry me. Dominic
escorted me to the stage and did not even bid me farewell the way I imagined a
person in love should.
I found my parents very angry and hid in my bedroom
for two days to avoid them. When my father finally decided to talk to me, he
said that was not the way people resolved problems.
I could not tell anyone about Dominic because he
had not given me the go-ahead to talk about our supposed newfound love. I
decided to quit my job and think about my life.
Dominic did not call the whole week to find out how
his “love” was doing. I decided to call him but his phone was switched off. I
was heartbroken and decided to take up a short course to occupy my mind.
WISHING ON A DREAM …TOO LATE
I fell ill and when I went to hospital, I was told
that I had malaria. I took the drugs prescribed and recovered.
Later, I got a sexually transmitted infection and
my lymph nodes were swollen. I was too scared to go to hospital, so I bought
antibiotics from a chemist without telling anyone in my family. I decided to go
for testing and it turned out that I was HIV-positive.
I do not like thinking about how life has changed.
It is too late and I did not see it coming. I do not even know what I was
looking for, but karma was quick to give me something else.
Frustrations sometimes get the better of me. My
friends often say, “Heri ukimwi kuliko ball”, but now I know different, I know
that sometimes you do not appreciate what you have until it is gone. Sometimes
at sleepovers, they ask why I take medicine and I say that I have a headache or
an allergy.
They ask why I do not want to date. “Aren’t you
straight?” they ask. Sometimes I try to hide the pain of not feeling the love
of my family, the feeling of indifference, of being reminded that I am growing
skinny by my sister, who knows my status.
Sometimes I feel like drinking cooking oil to add
some layers of fat on by body or turning back time to live my dream of walking
down the aisle as a virgin.
I could wish on a million shooting stars for a
normal life because it is not death that I wish to avoid; it is life that I wish
to live.
Therefore, it is vital to choose to live for
ourselves, not for others, by ending stigmatisation.
What I know is that it is not over until God says
it is over. I just have to be strong, keep away from stress, exercise, eat
healthy, and take my meds on time. I hope to live to see how my children look
like. My number one wish is for the invention of a cure for this disease.
This article is a first-person account given by
Millicent (not her real name), a college student whose life turned tragic and
opposite of anything she had planned.-DAILY NATION
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